THE TRYING TIMES — In a groundbreaking study released this week, researchers confirmed that standing in an open field and screaming until you lose consciousness remains statistically less stressful than contacting any customer service department after 4 PM.
The report, commissioned by the Institute for Screaming and Slightly Withered Hope, analyzed stress levels in participants forced to engage with automated phone trees, outsourced chatbots, and hold music that sounds like a dying Casio keyboard.
“We expected elevated cortisol levels,” said lead researcher Dr. Anita Chill, “but we didn’t expect them to spike before the first menu option was even announced.”
The control group—who were instructed to simply walk outside, look at the sky, and bellow into the abyss—reported reduced anxiety, improved sleep, and a greater sense of personal power.
One participant described the experience as “liberating,” adding, “At least the void doesn’t ask me for my account number six times.”
In unrelated news, a new mental health app called VoidBuddy™ has launched, offering users pre-scheduled daily screams synced to lunar cycles and Bluetooth headphones. It is currently the #1 downloaded app among disillusioned Gen Xers and moms who have stopped answering the phone.